Cease and Desist
by Yandere Shoujo
Summary: Rumors are rumors. They're problems. Saitama is a hero. He has to deal with problems, and also, has to deal with rumors. Rated for some language.


A/N: Arrgh Why doesn't anyone get Saitama's character riiiight?! I mean, I wanna _read_ not write!

[ANGRY MOTH NOISES]

Cease and Desist

Saitama never really considered himself normal. He strived to be abnormal even given his hobby as a hero and wishes to defeat monsters with a single punch. He supposed it was normal for a grown man to lust after pretty girls, or guys if they're into that. But he never cared to flaunt his sexuality nor did he take pleasure in the idea of finding some stranger to have one night stands with. Though now, a small, irritating piece of him wished he did.

" _I'm not into dudes."_ He stated when told some weird scientist was after his body. He had been mistaken and Genos corrected him of the other man's intent, but he wanted to make it clear. Genos, the student he never asked for, didn't question him on the more physical aspects of his lifestyle aside from things somehow related to fighting. Therefore, thy cyborg boy was not a problem.

However there were still a few pests buzzing around him with seemingly every intent on making his life miserable.

He heard the whispers. Or rather, he knew of them. A hero's address wasn't generally public information, but it had become known he and Genos lived together.

"What? No way! Is he like, Genos' sidekick or something?"

"Maybe they've always been friends."

"Two dudes in an empty city alone?"

"OMG what if, guys, what if they're like, a couple!"

"An S Class with some C class?"

"I thought he was B class?"

"Implying that anyone normal could withstand Genos' robo-dick"

"L-lewd!"

After that, Saitama stopped browsing online forums as Genos claimed a lot of feedback was shared. But that didn't stop it. He actually started getting letters along the lines of "Genos is MY hubby!" or "Please keep being a hero and treat your boyfriend Genos well!" It was the first time Saitama actually considered having the teen incinerate a letter.

Not only was his mail being infected, but through his acquaintances as well.

First there was King.

Saitama didn't pry into King's personal life, and King didn't pry into his. They just played video games together and appreciated each other's company. But then one day Saitama noticed King was siting a noticeable distance away from him. He said nothing, they played as per usual. Saitama lost, as usual, and it was only when Saitama was walking home did he come to a realization what happened. Sprinting right back to the man's apartment, he received a rather confused greeting as the other man asked, "What's wrong did you forget something?"

"You were sitting farther away from me."

The King's engine rumbled.

"I'm not into dudes." Then Saitama left.

Bang was the last person Saitama would have expected to care about what he did with another person, outside of fighting, but he was no exception to the absurd rumor.

Genos wasn't home at the time, and Bang somehow just missed him before he went to the store for cleaning supplies. It was his own money, so Saitama didn't really care. But he did care about the old man casually sipping tea at his coffee table across from him. Namely when the man said, "I'd have never thought you to use your disciple like that."

"What are you…"

"Ah yes, relief is good for the body and mind, but back when I was your age I didn't bother with such things, too busy training."

Saitama blanched.

"But really, such behavior between a Master and his Student is highly inappropriate."

Saitama put down his mug lest he shatter it to dust.

"Oi, I don't know who the hell keeps spreading that mess, but I'm not into dudes."

Bang put down his mug as well, giving him a quizzical look.

"I must be getting hard of hearing then. There's been plenty of talk of the Cyborg 'Prince' and his scandalous affairs with-"

"No." Saitama interrupted. Eyes narrowed, he repeated, "I'm not into dudes."

Bang then accepted the rumor as just that, a rumor. It still didn't stop him from trying to take the younger man under his wing as a student. Yet it was against Saitama's fate to let that simply be the end. Fubuki, easily then nosiest of all the people he knew, pried and picked as soon as she could get into contact with him. And by contact she was driven right to his apartment and invaded his personal space bubble with questions.

"When did you get together? How long? Do you love him? Does he love you? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell anyone? Were you holding hands in public? Is this why you won't join me?"

Saitama had no clue as to how Genos wasn't present again when someone tromped up to his doorstep being ridiculous. It was late, and they were out of toilet paper. Not a problem for Genos, but it was a problem for Saitama. And now an even more irritating one was in his face.

"That's a lot of questions that would take too long to answer. Sum it up in less than 10 words." He groaned out.

Fubuki looked taken aback but complied.

"Why didn't you tell anyone you and Genos were together?"

"Because it _never_ happened." He answered, rolling his eyes.

"Never happened? But-"

"But nothing! Jeez I can't even go out without getting funny looks anymore. I don't even like dudes!"

Fubuki was quiet then, a look overcoming her features that Saitama didn't like one bit.

"What?"

"Er." She hesitated. "You see, there's actually a big fan group of people who support your… uh, relationship."

"How big?" Saitama asked, yet he didn't really want to know.

"…about three hundred members and counting."

Fubuki left shortly after when she saw that Saitama was done talking and probably needed to sort his mind out. Even when her loyal companions asked her if anything was wrong, she just shook her head, only saying "We've got a mob to disband."

Just as Saitama was positive his life was spiraling into an ever churning sea of chaos, he was confronted by the last person he'd ever want to see. After an incredibly awkward shopping trip, he was not missing those sales no matter what rumor was spread, Genos outstretched his arm as they neared the apartment.

"Someone's inside." There was a pause. "My heat sensors indicate that they're just… sitting still, waiting."

"That's not something a thief would do." Saitama shrugged. "Oh well, better go-"

"There is no need to trouble yourself with weaklings Sensei, I will handle this."

Saitama sighed but kept walking forward anyway. He had to make sure Genos didn't set his home on fire after all. Or get blood all over the walls. That'd be a hassle to clean up. Saitama climbed the stairs and prepared for the inevitable burnt wallpaper or intestines on the ceiling.

Though he wasn't expecting to see Genos standing still. He was just standing, arm outstretched and ready to fire, and at his coffee table, not in any costume or get up, was Sonic.

He was just sitting, one hand propping his head up, and the other flat on the table. By all means he looked absolutely defenseless and more like a bored kid. Saitama took this opportunity to look around the area. He didn't see any traps or even a smudge on the floor. So he stepped forward, placed the grocery bags in the kitchen, and stopped directly in front of Sonic who hadn't moved the entire time.

"Please get out of my house."

Sonic looked up, then to Genos, and frowned.

"I said-"

"Yeah, I heard you. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is going on."

"You break into Sensei's home, then ask what the hell's going on?" Genos' hand gave a mechanical whir.

"Don't shoot that in the apartment Genos." Saitama said, not even looking in the teen's direction, yet he could hear the arm cool down. His eyes were set on the ninja who didn't look at all like a ninja wearing clothes he'd expect on some boy band member.

"The tin can brat calls you "Sensei", but has the higher rank. Not only that…" Sonic reached into one of his pockets, pulling out a slip of paper and sliding it to the middle of the table.

Saitama didn't need to kneel to see it. There, on pretty yellow paper, was an image of Genos and Saitama drawn with dramatized features embracing and kissing. Saitama wasn't sure what to be disgusted by most. He cringed as he saw how much it looked like him yet nothing like him at the same time. His eyes were half opened and glistening with tears, a strong blush spread upon his cheeks, and apparently he had a tumor in his nose because it was extremely rounded and red.

"Oh, that."

Both men looked to Genos.

"Miss Blizzard of Hell has been removing those as well as some other heroes. I too have been incinerating them on site."

"There are more?" Saitama exclaimed.

"I'm sorry Sensei, this was something beyond my control. But I-"

Sonic suddenly stood.

"You mean you two aren't together?"

"Wait, Genos, you knew about this?"

"Yes to both accounts." He answered, still using his emotionless voice as though nothing was problematic.

"I quote my Sensei when he once said, "I don't like dudes." So I know the truth."

Saitama wasn't sure if he should groan or sigh, until Sonic spoke up again.

"Heh, it appears I was mistaken. You haven't been trying to avoid fighting me lest your lover become worried or jealous. In that case…"

Sonic whipped a sword from seemingly nowhere.

Saitama wasn't keen on trying to deal with a problematic ninja and making sure his home was intact, but at least he knew someone understood, he didn't like dudes.


End file.
